The Pride of Pumpkin Patch
An American Values News exclusive...
Roundly criticized for his 1971 traitorous bashing of the troops in the Vietnam War, John Kerry recently traveled to Pumpkin Patch Army Base in a bid to win over the military vote. The Presidential hopeful performed a variety of acts that he felt sure would "knock 'em dead", as he said.
The show was held in a barn because Mr. Kerry wanted to demonstrate that he was a man of the common people & that despite owning three multi-million dollar mansions, he was not elitist. The show was delayed briefly while Mr. Kerry flew in his French barber for one of those famous $1,000 haircuts.
He began his performance with a mind-blowing rendition of "We are the Gourd", to the thunderous applause of the three members of the audience. Following this, Mr.Kerry recited a pumpkin pie recipe in rap because, as he so eloquently stated once, "I'm fascinated by rap."
The show continued with Mr. Kerry doing a soft shoe dance with pumpkin seeds on the stage floor, rather than the traditional sand (Photo above).
In a later interview with the audience, Mr. Kerry responded to a question about his favorite dessert by saying, "Well, I hated apple pie, but that was before I liked it." When asked why he was wearing a pumpkin he replied, "Do you really want to look at this face?"
The Presidential contender was asked about gay gourd marriage, to which he replied, "I will not allow my Catholic beliefs to stand in the way of my Catholic beliefs." In response to a question on Global Warming, he misunderstood & answered that, "Of course I'm in favor of it. All carved pumpkins need a candle in them. The kids love it."
Mr. Kerry left the theater after shaking paws with the audience members & what he felt were three sure votes for him. After leaving, Mr. Kerry plans to take his act to Hollywood, where Michael Moore has promised him a "significant part" in his latest movie, "Pie In The Sky Hopes."
....from sea to shining sea